Tonight, my husband and I cannot see the moon's usual position from the window above our bed. We also, do not have the heart to step outside and look for it. This whole week has been heavy, painful and sad for us -- lots of crying, tears, sleepless nights, and questioning took place.
We returned from a relaxing, adventurous get away from Arizona to return to the reality that is our home, LA -- also home of our tragedy and our loss. This week, my husband and I did our best in putting our sad and helpless spirits away to prepare, create and plan for our Haven Faith's first candle light service for Wave of Light 2016. We did a lot of praying together and weeping together more this week than any other week I believe since Haven's passing. Yesterday, was both a tragic and joyous day all at once. We were filled and accompanied with our dearest and nearest and their love and support. Our Havey and all her angel friends were so present and so felt by us last night.
By the grace of God, our event turned out beautifully. I shared some bits and details on my previous post. Haven was so evident in every single piece of decor and detail -- it was like she helped plan her party with me.
Reasons why this week also felt so unbearable and tough were the beautiful births I came across on both of our social media accounts, one including the birth of our new niece (from Paul's side of the family). There were a good handful of other women that were also pregnant with me and due in this same month of October. As much happiness and joy radiated from each one, I couldn't help my flesh from feeling saddened, discouraged, and weak in comparison to all of these other mamas. Things were getting so heavy that I had to take a two day break to reset my heart from my Instagram account and gently pray over myself.
What also made this week only that much more difficult was that on Friday, October 14th -- the day right before PAIL Remembrance Day, our daughter's headstone had arrived and was placed. My mom, sister, niece, and I went to visit Haven on Friday afternoon. We pulled up to the curb and I noticed something big and white in front of her floral arrangement and instantly knew what it was. I began to shout and scream in excitement as it finally was here -- almost 3 months later.
It wasn't until I got out of the car and became face to face with it that I began to breakdown. Seeing her name and birthdate on the ground made everything so real and tore me down some more. Looking at it and touching it, re-opened wounds as I began to re-live in my mind that both beautiful and sorrowful day. Her headpiece is really so beautiful and is everything Paul and I dreamt it would be. My sister, mom, and niece joined me in my tearfest and just were so still and present with and for me. I love them so much and am so glad they shared in that moment with me.
On this very full moon retreat day, my husband had a really tough day. It's been painful and heart breaking to see Paul hold himself and keep himself "put together" and so strong for the both of us when I know all he really wants to do is cry too. He has been so brave and courageous since the start from our pregnancy and his amazingness has never wavered. He was the best in taking care of me, praying over me, loving me, bathing me, crying with me and doing everything and beyond to love, support, and be our solid ground for us both during this storm in our lives. I am super blessed to have the best husband in the whole entire universe.
After Haven's lighting last night, I noticed that he became so quiet and off to the side. This morning, he woke me up at 5am in tears. The entire day he's been silent and so unlike his usual strong self. He spent majority of his day in Haven's room, sitting in the rocking chair, and squeezing our Nemo so hard and tight. Nothing hurts me or breaks me more than to see my other and better half be in so much pain and anguish.
Tomorrow, we also see the high risk MFM (maternal fetal medicine) MD again for our second follow up appointment. I remember how anxious, stressed out, and angry I was the night before my first post-partum follow up about a month and a half ago. Now, although still filled with worry and fear, I feel a bit more "at peace" -- I know this is all God's doing. We both are not just praying for a good and hopeful appointment tomorrow but for perhaps a new and brighter week ahead for more healing and strength.
Friend, if you're reading this tonight, I kindly ask that you keep Paul and I in your prayers -- please help us pray that we may just continue to find hope, trust and feel God's hand over our lives, as well as Haven's precious spirit near to us.
Thank you and so much love + hugs to you and you.