DAY XVIX // GRIEF RITUALS

I believe majority of my grieving has been healthy and what is considered normal. The following grief rituals have helped ease and heal my spirit and heart on my never-ending journey of grief: 

-- Monthly Birthdays // Approaching on Haven's three month birthday, the 22nd of all months, we are still new to grief and its' bittersweet ways. Since her passing, the 22nd days of the month so far, have all been slow, calm, and relaxing. On her month birthdays, our home is quiet and serene. It's like we all know Haven would have been a month older, so the house and family acknowledges this and keeps the rhythm of the day a steady one for all. I am so thankful for this mutual understanding of this in my home. Her due date is approaching on the 27th this month and I am honestly dreading it .. I ask that you help me pray for peace and comfort on that day next week.

-- Gravesite Visits //  I visit Haven's grave site everyday. Some days are good and some are really painful. Some days 2-4 cars of also visiting family members accompany me and it feels comforting and nice that I do not grieve alone. Some days I come alone without letting anyone know and either sit in hours of silence or hours in tears or a mix of both. Some days of visitation feel healthy and right, some days are filled with denial and anger. I have come to a realization that there will never be a streak or year(s) of "good days" and that the "bad days" too, will not be every single visit. It will always be a delicate balance of both days. 

-- Grave Floral Arranging // Some visits to Haven's site are mostly spent with family members. I like to set Thursdays for some quiet, mama/ daughter time with my girl. Thursdays are the days that the cemetery disposes of the flower arrangements from the previous week and the families and loves can come after 3pm in the afternoon to place new ones for the week ahead. Arranging + quiet, intimate mama and daughter time with my girl is my favorite and something I look forward to very much during the week. I like to believe that Haven is with me and helping me arrange her vase whenever I do this. Thursdays sure are special. 

-- Rocking Chair Time // When Paul and I prepared for our Gavini Babe, we knew we wanted our baby's room to be easily accessed. We ended up connecting an open pathway in between the two rooms and were so excited about this. From our bedroom, we could easily see and look into the nursery from every angle. After Haven came and passed and being discharged home after the hospital stay, I could not be inside or go into our room without having Paul or someone present with me. It was too painful. It made me angry, frustrated, and feel such an an unbearable sadness -- sometimes I still feel like this and know that it will continue on into the future on some days. These weeks, day by day, going into our room independently has gotten better. I like to spend some time on certain days inside her room to just pray and dream. Dream about what could have been and pray about the things still yet to come. I like to do this as I sit on the rocking chair I excitedly purchased for her room and squeezing our Nemo hard and tight. Sometimes, it gets so far as to imagine what it would have been like rocking her to sleep in that chair, burping her after a late night feed in that chair, reading stories and singing lullabies to her in that chair, adoringly watch her dad and other family members with her sit in that chair -- the dreams are endless. Even though, I don't get to have Haven on this side of Heaven with me, I'll forever be rocking in this chair and dreaming of everything we will get to do in another chair one day in Heaven. 

What are some of your grief rituals? What things do you do or someone that you know of does to help with the healing and grief? I'd love to hear them :)

 The swaddle blanket that covered and kept her beautiful warm moments after she was born -- we sleep with it.    A new Nemo that my brother's girlfriend recently gave to us. They named her "Haven" & she even came with a heart beat. ❤️ It reminds me of Haven's strong, brave & fighting tiny heart despite all of the things wrong with it.  

The swaddle blanket that covered and kept her beautiful warm moments after she was born -- we sleep with it.  

A new Nemo that my brother's girlfriend recently gave to us. They named her "Haven" & she even came with a heart beat. ❤️ It reminds me of Haven's strong, brave & fighting tiny heart despite all of the things wrong with it.