DAY XXV // I A M

I wish // 

 

- that His plan for us could have gone the other way. Oh, how I wish, wonder, dream, and imagine how different everything would be if we were still together right now .. 

- we could have at least made it to 28 weeks together or that you could have made the health care team's weight goal for you of 2500 grams.

- I was still laying in that same hospital bed, in our 5427 hospital room, on bed rest, eating hospital food -- all of it, if it meant that you would still be here with me. 

- you were still kicking, dancing, and stretching in my big ole' tummy. 

- that even though His plans are bigger and better than our own, that perhaps in another life, He would have allowed you to be here with us, grow up with us, allow us to parent you, and do life with you on this side of Heaven .. 

- that your daddy and I could have brought you home, showed you your room, love on you daily for the rest of our lives, physically. 

- how I could have breastfed you with all the milk that was produced that next Monday .. my body yearned for you, my breasts longing to nourish and feed you. 

- that I could have known what it would have been like to change you, dress you, soothe you, bath you and watch you sleep and grow, grow, grow.

- could have seen how our big family would have continued to love, play, get to know and spoil you throughout the years. 

- how I could have known what it was like to see your beautiful life unfold before your dad and I"s eyes.

- I could have seen myself and your dad become parents to you on this side of Heaven. 

- I wish, I wish, I wish ...

 

I remember //

 

- how ready (I still am) I was in becoming your mama, physically. 

- all the dreams and plans your dad and I had for us and for our life together.  

- how in love, and so deeply excited and eager your daddy was when he found out that he was a Father. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life. 

- how something drastically changed in my heart when I saw those two pregnancy tests turn positive (+). 

- how happy and overwhelmed your Mama Meg was, as she was the first to know the news. She even knew before your daddy did. Your Mama Meg is the absolute best auntie ever.

- how ready and wanting your dad and I were of you, how we still are very much until this very day. 

- how your dad worked effortlessly on fixing up and creating your nursery. He did the best job in trying to create a room for you and for us to dream, grow, stretch, and create endless memories in.

- how your daddy and I handled the news when we heard about your heart problem .. how hurt, devastated, and scared we were but then also how strong we chose to be and how we declared God's faithful and goodness over our future instead of fear and worry. 

- how we took in the second set of bad news from our doctor about how the bag of waters (that was supporting you) was hanging and bulging out too too early ..

- how my heart broke when I heard and how I began to pray fervently for a miracle for your beautiful life.

- how your dad remained strong and tough for our family during our hospital stay. And how he took such excellent care of me and you since the beginning of our pregnancy and at the start of your life. 

- all of your beautiful details, even the tiniest ones. 

- how you entered into this world with a quiet, beautiful sigh. I'll never forget how you sounded. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard ..

- how everyone that came to visit that day you were born, instantly fell in love with you. 

- how they handled you with care and loved on you, even after you had already passed away.

- how peaceful you looked when your heart had finally stopped beating. 

- how I held you, prayed that you hadn't left me, and longed for you to still be inside of my womb .. 

 

I could not believe // 

 

- how fast our time together had passed.

- that the doctor didn't detect my condition of IC sooner in our pregnancy. Maybe if she had, you would still be here .. 

- how she could even offer or talk to Paul and I about the option of termination of our pregnancy .. it broke us. 

- how her words made us believe that she wasn't on our side, that she wasn't on your team, Haven because of your heart and because of my unfortunate condition. 

- that you came much earlier than our goals. We really believed and prayed so hard that you and my body would have hung in there much longer.

- how beautiful you were.

- how tall, brave, brilliant, and perfect you were despite all of the things that the doctors claimed about your little heart. 

- the certain, hurtful things that some of our family members and friends said and did the day of your birth and death. I pray that it is because it is just so hard to discuss loss and death in regards to a baby. 

 

If only // 

 

- you were still here with me and your daddy.

- we could have worked together so that you can been here longer.

- my body and I could have held and handled the pain better. I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm sorry mommy was too weak, Haven.

- we were still in the hospital and that you were still inside my tummy.

- you could be here and at home with us. 

- we all could have seen you grow and become the person our God had called you to be.

- we could held onto you longer.

- God had worked the other way for us; even though we must trust in Him and his will. 

- you were here, my sweet, beautiful, precious girl ...

 

I am // 

 

- very broken, hurt, angry, devastated, traumatized, and confused. 

- still wondering sometimes, "why me", "why you, Haven", "why our baby, why our daughter" "why our firstborn", "what did we do", "why us", "why give us a baby to just take her back" 

- envious.

- still at disappointed and blameful towards myself and my body.

- not the same person that I once was.

IMG_5210.JPG

- still in questioning .. and even still question God, daily.

- in so much pain.

- different and changed, irrevocably.

- still wondering about what could have been and what should have been.

- always dreaming and thinking about you, your life, and what you are doing every minute of everyday.

- so proud that you are my daughter, our daughter. And that you are our firstborn. Our first pregnancy.

- willing to go back and do it over and over and over again.

- missing you, thinking about you, and love you more and more each day. 

- never with you and your love.

- an angel and heart mama because of you my dear child.

- Your mother, Haven. And I always will be. And I will never forget nor ever stop loving or thinking of you.

- who I am today because of you and the blessing of your beautiful life into mine. 

- you and you are mine. Forever.

 

 

-- Until I can hold you again in my arms,

Your Mommy