I have been slowly and daily learning more and more about having self-compassion and being gentle on myself - body, heart, and mind. I struggle with this daily as I know the enemy always tries to creep in and burden me with more pain, ache, stress, fear, and worry. I think one of hardest things about this journey is learning to how to gentle on myself as there are many times during each day that I get lost within my own thoughts and start to blame and get upset at myself for not being stronger for Haven, for myself, for Paul and for my family.
I think, maybe if I wasn't so weak - maybe if I would've bore the pain for longer - maybe if I just hung on even if it was for a few more weeks - maybe Haven could have made it - maybe she could have survived and her first surgery - maybe she'd be here with us today .. maybe
Some of the self-practices I've collected and am learning the art of healing in during this season are --
// P R A Y E R // my prayer life has stretched and grown so much throughout this whole season of motherhood and pregnancy. I don't think I've ever prayed this much, this hard, nor been so consistent daily. Praying first thing in the morning, many times throughout the day, and when I cannot sleep at night has helped alleviate and ease the weight and heaviness on my heart and mind. Giving it to God and allowing him to work and have his will be done is the best decision.
// C L E A N I N G + S I M P L I F Y I N G // a couple of weeks after being discharged and resting physically, I slowly started decluttering, getting rid of, minimizing and simplifying my space and environment. I started in our bedroom - to the bathroom - closet - our family room and started to bring this theme into the little things as well; my cellphone, camera roll, laptop, my planner, purse, car, you name it. My daughter's short life has made me open my eyes to the things most important to me and what really, genuinely matters at the end of each day. I realized materialistic objects, physical baggage of too many clothes, too much stuff, hoarding and saving things for later aren't important to me anymore - it all just became extra and heavy. This along with the heartbreak and pain I am currently enduring is not healthy and was something I needed immediate change in.
I look around now and see white, bare walls, no clutter, no dust, minimal decor, useful/ DIY house projects, a simpler wardrobe, etc. -- and just feel so much lighter and better.
// F L O R A L S // at the start of October, I began interning for an amazing company, Rekindle Creative -- specializing in styling, coordination and florals. I've known for awhile now that I have a creative side but always either made excuses or was too afraid to pursue it or see if there was something really there. Planning my own wedding, helping my sister plan hers, planning family/ self events, styling them + creating floral arrangements and pieces made me happy, it was like therapy and came naturally and so easily to me. I knew that during my healing that there were days I needed to cry things out and just be alone but that there were also days I knew that I should be up, being productive, and pouring my heart into other things than my pain. So I turned this pain into passion. Haven's life became an inspiration to me, is an inspiration to me. She reminded me that this life is not ours, that our days are not promised, and that I should be making time to take care of myself, my heart, and pursue other aspects of my life that make me happy.
Julia and the Rekindle team have been nothing but the best to me and my healing during this season. And I am so excited for the future I have with them.
My thoughts on self-care and practicing on loving myself is still very much a work in progress. I struggle with this daily and understand that it may be life-long for me as this has not always come easy to me. I am thankful and so blessed for my husband, my sister, family, closest friends, a supportive IC and angel mama/ PAIL community for being here for me, present with me, allowing me to grieve and heal openly and most importantly, for my girl - Haven and all her heart tugging and prompting her mama to love and be gentle on herself.
What are you self practices? How do you or someone you know that has experienced loss, love and be gentle on his/ herself? Do you struggle with this just as much as I do? I'd love to hear your words and thoughts.