I snapped this zoomed in photo of a pink and blue hued sunset while we were in Arizona earlier last month. How fitting the colors are for October, PAIL Remembrance month.  

I snapped this zoomed in photo of a pink and blue hued sunset while we were in Arizona earlier last month. How fitting the colors are for October, PAIL Remembrance month.  

I can't believe October has come and gone and now a new month, my birthday month - November is now here. Another month has passed without Haven ...  

A couple of days before October started, I came across Carly Marie Dudley's Project Heal through the hashtags #PAIL and #PAILawareness on Instagram. It composed of thirty one intentional days of healing in honor of this month and it's meaning. Each day of October, Carly set a prompt and/ or theme along with its' instructions on what to do, and our choice on what how we practice or share it, whether it be done publicly or in private. 

I found myself easily and willingly wanting to take a part in this project as the month of October was supposed to be a big and life-changing one for my husband, Paul and I. Our firstborn, our Gavini Babe, our daughter was originally set to be born on the twenty-seventh of this October. This month has been a rollercoaster and whilwind of emotions for my husband, Paul, my family, and I as we dreamed, hoped, anticipated, and prayed for this month much, much differently. 

Everyday this month (some consistent and others overdue), I found myself taking some time alone out of each day to reflect and to share on what's been weighing on my heart in relation to Carly's daily theme. Some have been a joy and a pleasure to write about but majority have been painful, long, and hard to try and formulate into words.  

This month, we celebrated Haven's 3 month birthday, held her first ever "Honoring Haven" candle lighting service in our home on the 15th (PAIL Rembrance Day), chose to joyfully spend her due date (also her grandma's ninth year death anniversary), and painfully endured our first official holiday without her -- Halloween. 

I thought we'd be filling her room in either the NICU or her nursery with pumpkins and dress her in a cute pumpkin onesie today but God had other plans ..

With another month without her under our belt and now facing another, I am so thankful for the new community I am now a part of, all the new connections and friendships that have come from the cause + reason of this month, and for all the feedback and love I've received from those who've stopped by and taken the time to read my heart.

I am in awe and amazed by the angel parent community that I've found myself a part of on the Instagram platform. Learning of other families' journeys and evidently seeing God's hand and his power in redemption and restoration gives me a sense of peace and renewed hope for my own -- whatever it may be, whatever it may hold.

I end October and look forward to November, ready to take on and tackle its' new set of challenges and life lessons for me. I addition, I look forward to all the other octobers still yet to come and how I'll be spending them thinking, imagining and dreaming of how this October 2016 would have, should have been. I am eager and joyfully choose to celebrate more of Haven's monthly and yearly birthdays until I grow old and hold more candle lighting services in our home in her honor and for all her angel baby friends.

Now, it is time to reset, rest, pray hard, and prepare my heart for my birthday month and to try and swallow my 'usually' favorite time of the year without the biggest part of my life and who I am today. 💕


Thanks for reading.  

Thanks for your prayer and support.  

Thanks for your love.  

To all the angel mamas, thank you for the special, particular love you all give.  

Thanks for wanting to learn and read more about Haven and our story.  

I'll never stop talking about her or sharing her life and legacy.  

Angel parents and mamas, we stand together.  

And we can do this. 



From my heart to yours,  

this Angel + Heart mama