Today, was another one of those hard, heavy type of days.
I frequently touched and held my tummy in disbelief that you were not still inside. I remember your detailed kicks and long for them very much. I still hold my tummy as if I were protecting and carrying you. I get phantom kicks from time and time -- these are so difficult and heart-breaking for me .. Their waving episodes are untimely and unforgiving. Sometimes the human body can be so cruel.
You were just here. Just here ..
And now, you are not.
How is it already the end of November? How is Thanksgiving next week? How is next month going to December? Then, Christmas, then a New Year? -- My favorite time of the year. Holiday firsts as a new mother. Holidays I couldn't wait for earlier this year. All these dreams and plans, ripped away from me forever. All in a mighty wave. I'll never ever get to know what they will feel or be like until we get to celebrate them together in heaven.
Thinking about all the costumes we'll never get to dress you in on Halloween, all the birthdays your dad and I will blow candles out to without you in our arms, all the Thanksgiving table spreads and prep I'll have to do without you asking to help me, the Christmas tree decorating, gingerbread house making, setting milk and cookies for Santa .. without you ..
You're supposed to be here.
But you're not.
Today, a young boy about three years old, came up to me while at lunch with your Mama Meg. He tugged on my cardigan and kept repeating, "Mommy, mommy, mommy?", "Look at me, Mommy" .. I looked over and smiled at him. He ran off bashfully as he knew he got mixed up with his real mom.
This hurt so much.
I kept repeating over and over in my mind, what your voice would have sounded like. How would you have sounded when calling me, "Mommy." All the details of your beautiful face when saying it. How your eyes would have looked like with mine looking back into them. Would you tug on my sweater too, asking for me?
Oh, how my heart longs for this ..
Oh, how I dream and pray for this ..
Oh, how much this and everything else hurts ..
Today, was this kind of day.
Heavy. Sad. Heart-wrenching. Traumatic.
If I say, "Haven" out loud .. you won't respond saying, "Mommy" ..
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
II Corinthians 4:17