Month I

Yesterday was Havey's 1 month birthday. When I realized this 2 days ago, it was hard to swallow. I reflected on all the events that have happened since her birth/death and couldn't believe that all this time had already passed and did so rather quickly. I couldn't help but begin to feel bits of guilt when I thought of all the laughing, dancing and smiling I'd done since that bittersweet day. Guilty because I didn't think it to be possible to be up, moving and standing this "fast". After some time digesting this the eve before H's birthday, I received tugging on my heart from her telling me as I was laying down to sleep, "Mommy, it's okay. It's okay to laugh, dance, sing and to feel happy even though at the same time you're broken and sad. It's okay because I'm right there dancing, singing and laughing with you - holding your hand. Always."

The 22nd finally came. That morning I went up to the little memory shadow box I put together for her on one of the walls in her nursery and sang the Happy Birthday song to her. Her dad, mama Anne and I got ready - we went to Sprinkles and got our own cupcakes. I put in a request for the baker to kindly top our sweets with sweet pink Hs. Paul and I also knew we wanted to do a balloon birthday release with pink balloons. So we stopped by the local dollar tree - to our surprise, not only were there pink balloons there but they were also heart shaped! I knew this was instantly Havey and the work of the Lord! Haven had congenital heart anomalies that were discovered during utero - Paul & I were never given a proper diagnosis due to her positioning while in my womb during our scans (she was always found to be laying breech in our last few ultrasound scans). My heart leaped when I saw the pink heart shaped balloons! We then went to visit her at the cemetery, we did our usual routine - change the water inside her flower vase, while her daddy fills the vase with new water and fills our water container to water the grass, I clip and remove the dead and old leaves of the flowers. Once my job is done, her dad helps me place her flowers back in the vase with its' new water. He then waters them a bit more and also tends to the grass in her little space - together we remove dead leaves, pieces of trash that might've traveled with the wind. Paul then waters the grass area in her small space - it's grown so much since we laid her body to rest! Once we get settled, we then play her favorite Disney lullabies (we played her these daily while she was still inside me). I always believed her favorite is "I see the light" from Disney's Tangled. This song reminds me the most of my sweet girl. Her grandparents (my parents, my mom's brother and sister) also joined us and brought some food - it became a cute little picnic for Havey. 

After visiting her, we separated from her grandparents, we then went to a childhood park that Paul and I frequently visited since we were little babes ourselves. Paul and I also spent a lot of time here when I was still pregnant - we'd come and walk and then sit & dream big of the future and life we would have once our little Gavini Babe was born (we never knew she was a girl until the day of her birth - she was a gender surprise baby!) Her dad, Mama Anne and I said 3 individual birthday wishes on her behalf and each released her pink balloons into the sky in her honor. After watching them depart into the sky, we relaxed under a tree and ate our cupcakes. The remainder of her birthday was a relaxing, quiet and slow day for us - a type of day we've all been needing in the middle of the recent hustle & exciting happenings during the last couple of weeks. 

We ended her birthday with quick trips to the store for her Mama Anne. At the last stop, her Mama A and I were stepping out of the car and I noticed something bright and colorful on the floor in front of the store. I was still distracted mid-conversation and knew I had to go back and take a better look. Paul and Anne looked at me like I was a bit crazy. I was hesitant to touch it because I thought it was a dirty sticker or decal that's been stepped on but still bent down to reach for it anyway. As I did this, Paul exclaimed, "Babe, what are you doing?! It's dirty!"

It wasn't a sticker. Or a decal. Nor was it old. Or dirty. Or stepped on.

It was a missing piece to a puzzle. Brand new. Fresh. Free of scratches or messed up corners. Untouched. 

It was my girl. My sweet, precious, beautiful - Haven. Reminding her mama and daddy, hugging us tightly and sending us a million kisses through this small, yet amazing gesture. It was like her way of saying thank you for celebrating her and her birthday. 

 A little girl, with wings (like a butterfly), dancing. Just as how we imagine her. 

A little girl, with wings (like a butterfly), dancing. Just as how we imagine her. 

You're so beautiful in all ways Havey, your mommy can't seem to ever find the words to describe it. I miss and love you so much each passing day. Continue to amaze us, baby girl.  

Happy I one month birthday, Havey.

Keep shining and keep dancing up there.