This morning was one of those hard type mornings. I woke up in tears; tears of nervousness, anxiety, fear, and uncertainty of the future. My husband Paul and I also, had a few hard talks. These talks concerning our doctor’s follow-up appointment next week, money, anticipated going back to work days, grieving alone, and also not being together everyday like we have been for the past almost 2 months. Paul returns to work on Monday – even though he is not emotionally, physically, spiritually nor mentally ready to, he is with a strong and determined heart. Despite the grief and pain, the bills don’t stop.
I love my husband so much and cannot believe everyday that he is mine. He’s been the most patient, has become more loving and more attentive to my needs throughout this season and has just been the best throughout my pregnancy through what currently is our most challenging and difficult chapter yet. Even though he is not yet ready to return, he does not hesitate to go back to working hard for us and for our family. He also, does not have to think twice about having to sacrifice and being the one to do so. These are one of the many qualities I love most about him.
This morning when I reflected on everything that’s happened since the birth of our Haven, I realized that Paul and I have only had 5 days to grieve alone, on our own terms and schedule. Visiting family members, my sister’s wedding and Haven’s memorial service have all happened during this timespan. The biggest thing I fear the most is having to grieve and doing so, alone. Alone, in the sense of everyone else in my home returning to their regular work schedules and other life activities. Alone, in the sense of having to learn how to be in our bedroom by myself. Alone, in the sense of having to learn how to be inside and around her nursery with my thoughts.
- Just a lot of learning how to do “new” things by myself and fearing that I will not be strong enough for it.
I opened up to my husband and made him known of my newest fears and worries. He instantly comforted me through his words and his prayers over me.
We went about the rest of our day and visited KoreaTown in Downtown LA. While there, we came upon the famous “Wishing Tree”. This was special to my cousin, husband and I because we’ve never seen or left a wish there before – a first for us all. I easily felt that this was our Haven. She had seen me crying earlier today and seen me so worried and scared - I knew this was her way of telling me to let everything go and to just trust and let God do His work. Even though these thoughts may continue to re-visit me, in this moment I let my worries go and left my precious wishes on that special tree. Wishes that Havey and I will only share.
And I hope that someday these wishes will hold true.