Last night, I fell asleep in tears. Swollen, tired and frustrated. Today is your 2 month birthday. It also would have been 36 weeks together in my tummy.
When you were still inside me, I always couldn't wait for Thursdays. They made me so excited. They meant that it was a brand new week for us as a new family of 3. I vividly remember every Thursday - your daddy, Mama Meg and I would text each other that it was a new week with you. A new week meant new milestones and growth with you. I would update my "Glow, Nurture" app every morning to see how much bigger you'd be, how long you were and eager to find out which fruit or vegetable closely resembled your current size. It would also have fun, helpful articles that informed me about anything new that was going on inside (i.e. sucking on your thumb, hiccuping, stretching, being able to hear sound and see light, etc). I was always so, so excited.
I miss these kinds of Thursdays and would give anything to go back and do it all over if it meant that we'd be together again.
I miss you my sweet girl.
This morning, your dad and I laid on our backs in bed and stared up at the ceiling. We held hands and we began to talk about you. Your dad started off with, "I miss her.." That's how he usually starts off when he wants to talk about you. He has quietly been strong for us, mostly for me and keeps himself together silently. I hear him in the shower though. And I see him several times during the day with his head down or rubbing his eyes to wipe the tears before I see them. So when he says he misses you, I understand that he wants to openly grieve out loud together.
We talked about what you were doing right this very moment. We wondered what age or stage you really are up there in heaven - are you the same as you were while you were on this side of Heaven, a toddler, a young girl even. We wonder. We dreamt silently about what you look like now, whose characteristics and personality you have. I have a feeling you'd be half of your Mama Meg and the other half, me. This makes me smile. We spoke about who you live with, who takes care and dresses you. We understand we won't know the true answers until we reunite that one sweet day but it was so nice to openly dream and wonder with your papa. We do this daily and although, doing this can sometimes get painful and nasty, it's been so helpful with our grief and healing process.
Today, instead of dressing you up for a 2 month photo shoot and sharing your "likes", "dislikes" and new milestones with our friends and family, I am driving to the flower district. I drive on my own here every Thursday; I've been ever since you've been gone, to get you the best flowers for your small grave area. I am sure you know this because I always feel your presence. I have been grabbing you gladiolus, carnations, hydrangeas, occasional garden roses and of course, silver dollar eucalyptus bunches (one of your mama's all-time favorites). I always choose them in hues of pink and white because these colors easily remind me of you. When I come here, I imagine you being with me. I envision me "baby-wearing" you in a gorgeous Solly Baby Wrap while floral shopping. This my Havey, was one of my biggest dreams for us together. To be keeping you close and dear to my heart, only this time, from the outside of my body.
I then wait for it to be after 3pm before heading out to the cemetery. It's the rule there to come with new flowers and decor after 3pm. Sometimes I'm alone there and other times, other angel mamas and daddies are there too. I start off by greeting you and saying hello. I pat, sing and talk to you. Depending on what kind of day I'm having, this is done silently or happily. I then go into my Apple Music account and select 1 of the 3 lullaby playlists I have for you. The music starts and then your mama instantly gets into her "zone." I lay a blanket out, organize the florals to be cut and arranged, get my water pitcher and gold scissors ready. I then begin to arrange your floral arrangement and when I do this, I know you are also somehow creating it with me. Thursdays and this moment is the favorite part of my week.
Today along with the pain that will always remain, I smile at the Lord's humor and for the way he works all things out together for the good of those who love him. He certainly has a thing with us and Thursdays being our days huh, Havey.
Today I will cling to the beautiful truth of Romans 8:28. Today is Month 2 without you .. and you are more alive in my heart, than ever. I love and miss you so much my baby girl ..
Until I can hold you in my arms again, Your Mommy
"All things work together for the good of those who love Him." - Romans Eight Twenty-Eight