I WOULD RATHER

- be at the hospital in Room 5427

- be laying in that hospital bed instead of ours (with that air mattress, flat pillows, SCD's and everything)

- listening to the alarms, IV pumps and the voices of the doctors, nurses and all other healthcare staff

- be eating the hospital food (actually eating 3 meals daily)

- be looking forward to my sister and my mom coming to give me my daily bed baths (they did this because I was ordered on bed rest, with no straining and still wanted me to feel good and pretty everyday). I miss these.

- be waking up from my mid-day naps forgetting where I was for a few seconds and then glancing up across my room to thankfully be seeing your dad by my side

- be finding new ways to re-decorate my hospital room with Paul (this was our version of fun) and truly learning ways to appreciate/ turn our scary situation into a good + positive one 

- be receiving and crying from all the loving, fun texts I'd receive from family and friends

- be waiting to meet my new nurse excitedly for every shift and finding the good in each of them. I am and always will be grateful to all that took care of us during our stay.

- be adding a new name to the list of all the people that took care of us those 2 weeks

- be anxiously, happily waiting to hear fetal tones at the start of every shift. It was the best part of my days while in the hospital; listening to your precious heart beating, baby Havey.

- be watching your mama Meg or daddy cut the link of our countdown chain + change the day number on our countdown white washboard. This meant that we were getting closer and closer to our 28 week mark/ 2500 grams weight goal

- be reading my inspirational books or coloring away in my stress/ worry free/ sticker/ devotion coloring books on my bedside table

- be waiting for that time during the day that your dad would climb into bed with me and binge watch Law & Order together

- be cuddling/ napping with your daddy in that tiny hospital bed - what should have been a really uncomfortable position, was actually the best place to be in 

- be waiting for the clock to turn 5 or 6pm because that time only meant that the visitors would slowly be rolling in from school or work. Also, when I felt like I could connect to the world that was still going on outside

- be waiting for the door to quietly pop open everyday and to see my parents waving at me happily while holding back their tears at the same time 

- be rotating all the fun hospital juices to drink. Their ice water was so good to me too (I know, weird).

- be gladly waiting everyday for the doctors to come in to tell them I was [still] pregnant

- be watching Paul go off for some time every night with my brothers and best friend(s) to relax, play some Pokemon and get some fresh air. I knew he really needed this. He was quietly trying to be tough and strong for us, I knew this time would help somehow

- be waiting to see which nursing school classmate/ now nurse at this same hospital would be visiting me on certain days

- be painting my own nails from bed instead of getting all the gel manis that I love

- be going days + weeks + even months unshaven and unthreaded if it meant still having you with me, Haven

- be in discomfort several times during the day if it meant that it was you still inside and growing within me. I really believed that 2500 grams was an attainable goal for us. I did my best to make wise choices in my meals to help make you stronger and get bigger

- be still having an IV in my dominant hand. I still stare at this IV site and the scar it left everyday, wishing for it to never go away because it serves as one of my physical reminders that you were really here even if it was for a few hours

- be laying in that same, worsening pain that started 1.5 days before your arrival with that epidural in place ..

- be laying, thinking and praying of our (supposed to be) future with you, all the dreams and plans your daddy and I had for you ..

- be imagining the day we would either reach 28 weeks or when you would weigh 2500 grams; how our game plan as a family would change to be more promising and hopeful

- be dreaming and wishing for all the sleepless nights and the future that were going to "soon" unfold for us

But most of all, I would rather

- be rubbing my belly, my big belly, the one with you in it ..

This. This I think, hope, wish and pray for the most. For you to still be with us. For you to still be inside me. 

I would rather.