Your Half Birthday

Six months ago, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl, my firstborn - Haven Faith.

That morning was bright, beautiful, and ridiculously sunny. The sun's rays effortlessly radiated beautifully through the window blinds of our room 5427. There was also a special type of warmth inside the room which lasted the whole day. Looking back on it, it was almost as though heaven aligned and was making its' way for you. 

Today, is the opposite. I woke up to loud and strong raindrops outside and to a cloudy, gloomy sky and thinking that I somehow overslept. Your dad forgot to close our window last night but thankfully the rain didn't come through. Today is a perfect reflection of what's going on inside. What I thought was going to be a jam packed day of errands and being on the road - the rain was a reflection to instead, be quiet, rest in the present, and to slow down. Serving me a good reminder that it is okay to simply sulk and really take in the weight of today and what it means to me. Fortunately, your German aunts Mama Anne and Auntie Sephy agreed that today was indeed a day to stay in and just relax. 

We purchased ingredients last night to bake a half naked birthday cake in your honor and we are currently baking and prepping for it. I wish you could taste it, see the cake all over your cute face, and cake smash. 

Weeks ago, I was thinking about how I could honor you today - to do something a little bit more special and extra to celebrate you. I kept wondering and thinking, "How does a mom celebrate her little one that is no longer in her arms? The baby that never came home .. " 

After enduring some anxiety and uneasiness, I was prompted by the Father to keep it simple, to do what felt natural to me, to stray from things that felt unrelated to the bond that Haven and I have. So naturally, I chose flowers and cake. I dressed your grave site with a seeded eucalyptus garland, created two hand-wrapped bouquets for your vases, purchased a heart shaped floral foam and stuck assorted hues of pink and purple carnations inside it. Originally, I envisioned to spend today at your site with a handful of our family and friends and eat cake in your honor but of course very much with everything else, the weather too is out of our hands. 

Today, I fill myself with good things for my soul and dream about all the milestones you're crushing with that tiny yet incredibly fierce heart of yours -- crawling, gurgling, trying to form words, smiling and laughing a lot, sitting up, teething, and being so beautifully active. I envision your grandma, your great-grandparents and our other loved ones being so in love and in awe of you, just as we are down here.  

The missing you part gets harder everyday and the loving you much stronger and greater. There will always be an ache for you in my heart and soul, a physical longing for you in my arms, and a forever void in my life and in all that I do that is saved for You. Today, I cry happy tears dreaming about all the things you can do now and how you will spend eternity showing me all of it. I'll be loving you forever, Havey. Happy half birthday, darling -- happy cake smashing up there.


Forever, Your Mama