First Easter

Just like all the other holidays that have come and gone without you, Easter was today. Growing up, Easter meant family, good food, dressing up, and basking in the resurrection of our Lord Jesus. The past few Easters were spent hosting backyard egg hunts for your cousins, having family friends over to break bread and celebrate with us, casual family photoshoots in the backyard, all of us watching the Passion of Christ with your grandpa in the living room and receiving lots of "Happy Easter" texts from loved ones. 

This one was different. Your dad was working today, so I spent my day with the Vanegas' at church and had a quiet, slow bagel filled breakfast. Mama Meg, Papa Jeff, and I then went to visit you. The babies'/ children's block was such a sight to see - a sea of fun pastel Easter colors spread throughout the section with flowers, plastic eggs and other Easter decorations. We talked with you, took photos, Mama Meg and Papa Jeff even grabbed you a fresh bouquet of flowers and they gave you and I some Mommy + Daughter alone time. I talked and prayed with you some more and played our favorite Disney classics in the background. Tangled's "I See the Light", always gets to me as I believe it was your all time favorite.

That song started and had me imagining what you were doing at that very moment. As I closed my eyes with tears streaked down my face, I envisioned an 8 and a half month old baby girl with a white, airy dress on and barefoot. Although, I didn't see your face - you had flowers in your hair and were playing in a field full of all kinds of flowers. You were shining bright, almost as though you were glowing. In the background, I saw a group of people that appeared to be the family members and loved ones gone before us. It was like they were all watching you and making sure you were safe. Though none of their faces were clear, I felt overwhelmed that there were so many in number. It warmed my heart knowing your grandma and great grandparents were among the crowd.

Though this vision seemed like it lasted for minutes, it was really just in the blink of an eye. You were suddenly called by a great voice, left your flowers and ran back towards our family - the voice I want to believe was the voice of Jesus.

Today pained me in a beautiful way, Haven. I think that the pain and initial sting of the first holidays without you will be the worst. My continuous prayer will be that though life won't ever be easier without you, I ask that the pain be more peaceful, accepting and hopeful. The pain I felt this Easter was beautiful because of the fact of where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing.  I know you are are in Heaven, our true home, where my heart longs to be more than ever. I know you are with Jesus, our Savior and Refuge - so this means you are taken care of, incredibly loved, safe, healthy, whole and happy. I know you are with family and loved ones. I am certain that you are spreading and doing good up there, sharing love and light, twirling in dance and constantly shining. Most importantly, I know you too, are eagerly waiting for mom and dad to come home someday soon. 

I love and miss you more than words can ever say, my darling - Happy Easter <3